From Parts Unknown

 

I think this is where you’re supposed to write something clever about yourself. But who has time for that shit? Instead have this:

 It's me. Honestly!

It’s me. Honestly!

Yes, I’m wearing a luchadore mask. Painted by the brilliant Sam Mitchell. Based on a photograph that showed way too much skin. That I took for a website and podcast that never took off. Because I love wrestling. Too much. I mean who doesn’t like Roman Reigns. Or Mick Foley. Or The Undertaker. Damn it, why did you have to bring up The Undertaker? Now I’m pissed that Brock Lesnar broke his Wrestlemania streak. Fuck Brock Lesnar and his German suplexes. Fuck those that cheer him and chant ‘Suplex City’. And you know who else can get fucked? All those who voted for Donald Trump so they could make some kind of point. Thanks for putting the most dangerous, singularly unqualified orange cockwomble in the White House. Shit, now I’m going to have to go and listen to some music to calm down. Thank god (although clearly she doesn’t exist) for Jimmy Buffett. I love being a Parrothead. And I’m so glad I saw him live that one time in Orlando. And in Wellington. And in Christchurch. And then he signed my tattoo so I have his autograph permanently inked on me. And now I want more tattoos but can’t afford it. Now I’m pissed off again. And thinking about that boss I had who was bordering on sociopathic. Jesus, I was miserable then. And then shit went down and I met Sam. And there were rainbows and colour again. A Game of Thrones binge-watch.And talking in weird accents. Weirder than my own Scottish one. And there was whisky. Ardbeg is the greatest. We went to Islay, visited the distillery and drank beer on the island instead of whisky. We’re going to have to go back because that makes zero fucking sense. I’m going to go and read a book. Maybe something by Chris Brookmyre, he always makes me laugh. Or Ashleigh Young’s brilliant Can You Tolerate This?I fucking loved that. Or maybe Mort by Terry Pratchett. Oh, Terry. Why were you taken from us too soon? Fuck you DEATH.

Sorry, where was I?

I have scribbled content for publications august and not. Okay, mainly not to be fair. But I’ve written some stuff I’m pretty proud of, some of which is included here:

I can see him now – a short piece about my dying granda written as part of the Memoir Master Class helmed by the respected and wonderful Deborah Shepard.

Bushwhackers get spot in the WWE Hall of Fame – I got to break the worldwide news that legendary Kiwi tag team The Bushwhackers were getting inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. I chatted with Luke and it was a dream come true. We were namechecked live on RAW that night – except Michael Cole got the website address wrong!

All of my Couch Potato blogs for Stuff.co.nz – for just under two years I was the television reviewer/commentator for Stuff. I wrote a fair amount during that time but here are some of my favourites:

Unfortunately (or fortunately) all of the sports blogs, film, technology and music reviews I wrote for Yahoo! New Zealand have been lost to the world but I promise I did write some good ones. The one I’m most proud of was a piece on depression in sport referenced by The Nutters Club in NZ.

And honestly? That’s probably enough for anyone. More will be coming.  Which is pretty much what I’ve been saying for the last decade.

Oh yeah, I’m great. Really! Ask my mum and dad if you don’t believe me. Or Sam. And don’t take my (or their) word for it. Here’s what other people on the internet think about me and my writing my television reviews for Stuff.

  • Oh no, THIS GUY is back. Worst television review I’ve ever had the misfortune to click on. Maybe get a job in the television industry through talent rather than kiss the ass of South Pacific Pictures constantly. JamesMason
  • Oh look there we go, Mike trying to force his views down on everyone. I am getting so sick of his liberal, political bias. Stuff get a TV reviewer who actually reviews TV. smitty67676
  • It made you feel sad and sicker. Please get off your high horse you sanctimonious “blogger” Yours great mate JC turned down a contract to appear on a new show with a co host – his self inflated ego precluded him from accepting such offer. His ratings hadn’t improved in 10 years, a lot like your blog in one year. smitty67676
  • Once upon a time there was a TV reviewer who reviewed TV instead of constantly reiterating his political views into every second blog. He left. The end. bOb
  • What a stain you are. I come hear to read reviews on television and instead I get some left wing, propaganda drivel. Stick to TV, even then though you are ramming your views down peoples throat. smitty67676
  • Careful, your panty-waisted leftie ‘sorry to be a man’ bias is showing. ElJorge
  • Yes, you are a tall poppy hater and a troll. polymath
  • He is not a TV reviewer. It’s a blog, and a poor one too. He is a one trick pony with a (potato) chip on his shoulder and his opinion is no more viable or relevant than your own. wazza2222
  • I know not every show can be liked but really if you are going to bash a show do some research first. Turkey12345
  • Wowee Mike, jam some more of your bile down our throats why don’t you? Just what exactly is the relevance of Mel Gibson’s career trajectory or personal politics to anything television? Let’s see you take your own sh*t seriously and start boycotting EVERYTHING made/sold/marketed by a company or person that was EVER anti-semetic. It’s a hell of a list and your life is going to be very different… unless of course you are as I suspect, a total PC hypocrite. wazaa2222
  • Mr Kilpatrick should stick to being a scientist. Hopefully he was better at that. Kiwibernie
  • When will stuff actually get a booger who reviews TV and doesn’t force their views down everyone. I am so sick of this writers PC rubbish. smitty67676
  • Perhaps Mike Kilpatrick should get a new job. This column was meant to be witty and acerbic. Instead it came across as lame and bitter. I’m no fan of Top Gear. It’s well past its best-by date, but this column is just a waste of column centimetres. FAT$
  • So…..still sorry for being a man then………….?………………… ElJorge
  • This has to be one of the most pathetic articles I’ve ever seen. Get over yourself Mike LisaLouLou
  • …this is supposed to be about television, not about Mike Kilpatrick’s misguided views about current events. Please get rid of Kilpatrick and get someone who writes about television, not social justice. Miranda
  • I can just imagine you sitting down on your couch with your little pad and pen and waiting for the show to start, just salivating at the chance of a passing reference to some social issue for you to pounce on, overread, throw in a handful of tumblrisms, and turn into a blog post all on its own while ignoring the actual TV show in question. Sparkfairy
  • Another exhilarating edition of the Mike Kilpatrick “I hate Paul Henry/The Big Bang Theory” blog. It’s getting boring Mike. mickrodge
  • You mate, are an odious creep. Surely not
  • I can’t be bothered scrolling through the comments so don’t know if anyone has remarked that the author of this sanctimonious opinion piece doesn’t have the fortitude to put his or her name to it. Pjgrizz
  • I think Mike, by spewing your opinion all over the internet about someone in a negative light, you’ve actually taken on the persona you claim Cameron Slater to be. Taprick
  • I have read what you have written, and what Cameron Slater has written – and have come to the conclusion that if anyone is an “odious creep” then it is you. Why do you continually try and promote your communist leanings in a supposed television blog? Miranda
  • I’m out from your blog…….you are as predictable as snow in the winter and equally uninteresting Seeker_Of_Sins
  • Mike Kilpatrick and his ilk are what’s wrong with society. patronizing and protective . don’t you think that women was capable of defending herself. perhaps you and cunliff could have a wee cry about being male together. Wayne Fraser
  • Stuff, please replace this new TV reviewer! He’s a total wet blanket! JJJackson
  • Obviously the person who wrote this ‘article’ – it’s rubbish, has no sense of humour what so ever. revilo
  • God you’re a bore Kilpatrick. mickrodge
  • What a totally pointless and moronic article. Tones69
  • For a certain kind of white liberal, being colour-blind isn’t enough–one is supposed to grovel and display subservience to anybody BUT whites. Disgusting. And they’re too stupid to see that this is simply racism dressed up as moral posturing. CrusaderRabbit
  • I got to the bit where he shares his arse reaming fantasy. I sincerely hope to view footage of clowns like that being torn apart by the dark hordes, should SHTF. dondiego

If I wasn’t the stand-up human that I am (cough), I might suggest some of them have a bit of a crush on me. Particularly smitty67676 who can’t stand me but reads everything I’ve written just so he (or she – wait, who am I kidding, of course it’s a he) could reply.

Some (not me, obviously – I think smitty67676 is just a bit lonely) might suggest he actually has a deep-seated love for me that manifests in such a way he can only deal with it via vitriol. It’s okay smitty67676 just let it out. It’s okay to love another man deeply and Mike’s probably got some used underwear he can send you if you really want. Someone might suggest. Again, not me. Nope.

ElJorge and wazaa2222 also both seem to like me just a wee bit too much.

But here’s my favourite thing ever – when Captain Caveman tried to tell me I didn’t know the point the author of the article was trying to make. Despite me having written the article. Hey, no-one said those who write comments on Stuff had to be intelligent, right?